Chipmunk: Underappreciated. Squirrel: Overexposed.

ChipmunkSquirrels run all over the place down here in DC. Meanwhile, chipmunks only live near wooded areas, knowing better than to overdo it in this media-heavy city.

SQUIRRELS AREN’T COOL

  1. Squirrels are basically just bushy-tailed rats. Where do you see them in urban areas? Nine times out of ten, they’re playing in the garbage can, or once that’s over, eating said garbage.
  2. Meanwhile, they do that annoying thing with their paws while they eat. It’s the same thing that flies do. Does anybody hold up the fly as an icon of cuteness? Hell no.
  3. Squirrels don’t have good cartoon characters. Rocky from The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show? Dude wasn’t even your average squirrel; he was one of those crazy flying squirrels. Did you know flying squirrels are native to both the Pacific Northwest and Siberia? Being that one is a bastion of liberal agitators and the other is the home of the gulag, Rocky might well have been an agent for Boris Badenov.
  4. A squirrel once got into my fraternity’s kitchen and ate up the food. A chipmunk has yet to even tap on the window.

CHIPMUNKS ARE BETTER

  1. They’re smaller, and therefore more fuel-efficient.
  2. Their kids leave the nest after just eight weeks, rather than spending 12 years in their parents’ basement with nothing but a $120,000 B.A. in Theater for Social Change like these slacker kids today.
  3. I think Dale alone could beat up Rocky, but with Chip in tow, they would have brought down the USSR single-handedly, were they living in the same cartoon universe.
  4. Chip ‘n Dale are possessed of both black and red noses. In roulette, they just can’t lose.

Out.

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8 Responses to “Chipmunk: Underappreciated. Squirrel: Overexposed.”

  1. Easily the most random post I will read today!

  2. Dude, you totally forgot to mention that chipmunks have racing stripes, while squirrels are just kinda this red brown grey fur. Plus chippys can turn on a dime, where as the squirrel is like the caddy of the small critters department. And whats up with squirrels eating the plastic on my bird feeder? Thats just brick man.

  3. Yeah – but black squirrels glow under UV like a rad Led Zeppelin poster.

    Posted by Jerry | July 13th, 2007 at 7:37 am
  4. Interesting that you post this today…

    I was actually talking to someone the other day about how cool chipmunks are and I wish that there were more running around in NYC (I’ve seen three or four here in my lifetime).

    Then yesterday, walking home from work, I saw this squirrel running around on someone’s lawn, and I thought to myself how I always overlook squirrels and they’re actually quite cute. Plus they have crazy claws for to climb with.

    My Verdict:
    Chipmunks = awesome because they’re rare
    Squirrels = overpopulated and underrated

    (BTW, you totally forgot about Alvin and the Chipmunks)

  5. Squirrels are the spawn of Satan.

  6. Re: Chip and Dale

    It does need to be mentioned that they hung out with rats – one anal retentive and the other a lunatic. Not that Bullwinkle was all that, but still…

    Posted by Jerry | July 13th, 2007 at 2:53 pm
  7. Patrick,
    This is your conscience speaking. I can’t believe you let this whole (admittedly hilarious) post run without one mention of Squirrel Hill, surely the most ridiculously-named neighborhood in the greater Pittsburgh area. Greater Pittsburghland area?
    I hope you’re well. Hoping to be in DC at some point in next few months and will be in touch so that you can point me to the local Steelers-viewing bar.

    -Jessica

    P.S. I have to vote for the squirrels.

    Posted by Jessica | August 7th, 2007 at 7:44 am

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