Why Move?

I just got done reading this NY Times article about city people and the new fear they feel by moving to woodside country houses. If you could convert middle America’s stereotype of the “liberal elite” into a solid, liquify that solid, put it in a bottle, dip your quill into it and write out an 800-word piece in your new effete-ink, you still wouldn’t come close to the level of prissiness demonstrated by the subjects of this article. A brief summary:

Unsympathetic subjects. The people profiled in this article spent many dollars on a second home in the woods, then spent the entire article complaining about the scariness of their very expensive purchase. We’re not starting out on a “Man, those poor sympathetic people” note.

Unjustified fear. There are very scary things in this world, and there are very brave people facing them on a daily basis. Then there are rich authors who are scared by the sound of creaking floorboards. (For which, again, they paid six and potentially seven figure prices.)

Kind of tongue-in-cheek tone, but not enough. I get the sense the author sees these people in a light that’s just as goofy as I see, but the piece is edited such that that doesn’t come across strongly enough.

Weird decisions. Hunting and guns in the woods = not at all like having guns in the city. If you want to live near the thick woods, why not take advantage of the excellent hunting opportunities? Or at least learn what kind of animals live in the area instead of buying night-vision goggles.

Regardless, calm down! The woods are cool and not always packed with serial murderers.

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8 Responses to “Why Move?”

  1. Its the flipside of when country people are freaked by the pace and sheer volume of the cityfolk. I realize the piece is a goof, but aren’t these same people a-scared of the city too? Live in doorman buildings, take cabs, etc. Of course, they’re also rich, so that’s hard to parse out. Also, don’t they do something similar in the city? I recall my Yankees bat day bat by the bed. It wouldn’t have been of much use, but, you know.

    The pic of Augusten Burroughs is comical.

    P.S. This post would have been an excellent opportunity for the old school Pat to shine. That’s not a complaint or suggestion, just letting the nostalgia out.

  2. Eh, what can I say. Professional restraint.

  3. He’s right. At least drop a few F-bombs. Get back to your roots–1000 word entries on marine mammals.

  4. Yeah, where is the whale love?

  5. The whale love is ever-present. Like an ethereal aura up in this piece.

  6. “If you could convert middle America’s stereotype of the “liberal elite” into a solid, liquify that solid, put it in a bottle, dip your quill into it and write out an 800-word piece in your new effete-ink, you still wouldn’t come close to the level of prissiness demonstrated by the subjects of this article.”

    One of the funniest things I’ve read. Ever.

  7. Fuck the woods. I’m never leaving NYC. My sister lives in Rye (which, as far as I’m concerned, might as well be the woods) and her house was just fuckin’ ROBBED.

  8. My friend lived somewhere in PA and she told me after 9/11 slews of people moved out of the area and into hers. Which of course, made her want to move back to LI.

    I too, want to put in a vote for the F-bombs and all that went with them – your oatmeal post is still one of the funniest things I’ve ever read, and I read a lot.

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