Pro Massage: Overrated

Hey all.

I’m going to base the following opinion on a statistically suspect sample of N=1, but hey, why not.

When G and I were on our honeymoon in Mexico, they had a complementary massage session at the hotel where we stayed. I looked forward to this with some trepidation, being that I had never partaken of a masseuse / masseur before, and I figured having some stranger rubbing oil all over me would be more than a little awkward. But, I was game.

When the appointment arrived, I walked into the darkened room and laid down on the table, at which point a nice masseuse walked in and commenced her work. Getting oiled up felt a little weird, but then the shoulder part was pretty soothing, so I chilled out and settled in.

Then, ow. A lot.

armbar
Thanks, I feel so refreshed

I don’t know if I’m extra stiff or what — I used to always do well at the sit ‘n reach back in the elementary gym-class day, and my college jujitsu course instructors noted how weirdly far my joints could bend before I had to tap out — but that massage hurt. At one point I think my arm got put into a police submission hold, then my knees were bent back a lot farther than they’re supposed to go — that was especially rough after the 2006 knee surgery tightened things up down there. Being a dude unfamiliar with this whole thing, I of course opted to grit it out silently and act like it felt great to have my ligaments popping and locking without the benefit of Carlton’s breakdancing lessons, but it didn’t.

Anyway, don’t pay for a massage, because they aren’t that cool. And as a guy who has gotten exactly one in my lifetime, I know.

Thanks for reading, and may your day be filled with General Tso’s chicken. I ate some today and it was amazing.

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8 Responses to “Pro Massage: Overrated”

  1. I stopped eating chicken and damn if I don’t miss me some General Tso. And wings.

    Dude I have to agree on that massage thing. My wife got me one like 3 years ago for my birthday. I popped a xanex, drank 2 martini’s and walked over to the massage place. I hurt for 2 days. I was really thankful for the drugs I was on at the time, I think that made the whole process bearable.

  2. Sounds like you opted for a deep tissue massage, which aren’t usually all that pleasant. The key to a good massage: communication. If something doesn’t feel good, let them know.

    And Gen. Tso is the man, yes. Up yours, Col. Sanders.

  3. I had my first massage this summer when I was in LA. Did you get bruises the next day? It turns out, it’s TOTALLY okay to talk to the person and tell them when something’s hurting, or feels good and you want more of that (I felt like I was supposed to be quiet).

    My brother and his girlfriend are getting married in Puerta Vallarta – can I ask where in Mexico you went?

  4. Cabo! I highly recommend it.

  5. Wait. Nobody is going to make a single “happy ending” joke.

    I understand that this is not the old blog page anymore, but what has this forum become?

    And, seriously, any time someone is being paid to touch you, tell them when they are hurting you. It may be that you will seem “unsophisticated” for doing so, but too bad.

  6. I agree with Alex. Sounds like a deep tissue massage. They hurt, but I feel better the next day. The biggest thing I’ve found is to hydrate the hell out of myself the entire day after a massage. Seems to help a lot.

  7. Plus, there’s a huge difference from the kind of massage you’re going to get at a resort – when they know you’re not going to be a regular – and from a spa with a gift certificate from your spouse – where they know you’re only there because you got a gift certificate.

    It takes a while to find a good masseuse, and it helps to really need one – like if you’re there to address a particular issue or muscle pull or whatnot.

    If you’re ever in Denver, I’ll introduce you to Olga.

  8. Sadly the massage industry is as badly regulated as the martial arts industry, anyone can call themselves anything.
    The problem is you might end up with an injury if your practitioner is unskilled.
    I have had both extremes in massage therapy, one time I actually had to tell the woman to stop what she was doing and explain that you should never overextend certain parts of the anatomy.
    Be careful people.

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