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I’m sitting here reading about PHP exception handling when the idea strikes me: some peanut-butter toast would hit the spot like some sort of proverbial spot-hitting device. That got me thinking about why peanut butter is an amazing product.
Peanut butter tastes great. You can rock peanut butter with lots of things: chocolate, jelly, Nutella, bread, celery, apples, Thai food, cookies and lots of other stuff. Maybe I’m expanding on the Thai food part, but they use crushed-up peanut paste with oil in their cooking, so that’s close enough for me.
Peanut butter has phat mouth feel. Mouth feel is the term for how food feels all up in your craw, and peanut butter is great. You don’t have to chew it, but it still hangs out for a while, as if to say, “What’s up, mouth. Let’s get to know one another.”
Peanut butter is good for messing with your dog. If you put peanut butter in one of those Kong toys, it will blow your dog’s mind. He looks like a freaking idiot trying to lick peanut butter out of a rubber ball for 19 hours, but the mutt loves it!
Peanuts are a friend of the environment. They’re natural — granted, Jif or Skippy not quite so much — and you can grow hella peanuts on just a little land. That means more efficiency and fewer animals getting faded for protein. Sadly there is no such thing as peanut bacon just yet, but scientists are probably working on it. Speaking of that,
Peanut butter is associated with George Washington Carver.Wikipedia says he did not actually invent peanut butter as we know it, but he did do lots of work with it. Plus, the dude made gasoline and nitroglycerin substitutes out of peanuts. His name always seemed to come up in school, and I admired him for his devotion to that greatest of foods. Now if someone just steps up to his legacy and invents bacon from peanuts, we’re in good shape.
Granted, the title “stuff liberal white yuppies like” is a lot more accurate, but this is still quality satire. Here is a good example; I had a design prof in college who loved AdBusters. (Ironically she was not white.)
Advanced white people will supplement No Logo with a subscription to AdBusters, where they will learn how to subvert corporate culture and return it to the masses. Specifically, this means taking ads and redoing them to give a negative message about a product. Apparently the belief is that when other people see this ad, they will be hit with an epiphany that their entire existence has been a Matrix-style manufactured universe.
UPDATE:Mark Coatney posts the exact “No Come Here Anymore” routine by that one fat-dude comedian that popped into my head when initially reading this story.
And then there’s the Simpsons episode in which Homer sues the Sea Captain for kicking him out of the all-you-can-eat buffet. Yar, that one was even seafood-related too.
I planned to cancel my HBO subscription this summer, but then I caught Flight of the Conchords and now I’m stuck to the show like a junkie with monkey disease. So I’m going with a copout post of three of the best:
Squirrels run all over the place down here in DC. Meanwhile, chipmunks only live near wooded areas, knowing better than to overdo it in this media-heavy city.
SQUIRRELS AREN’T COOL
Squirrels are basically just bushy-tailed rats. Where do you see them in urban areas? Nine times out of ten, they’re playing in the garbage can, or once that’s over, eating said garbage.
Meanwhile, they do that annoying thing with their paws while they eat. It’s the same thing that flies do. Does anybody hold up the fly as an icon of cuteness? Hell no.
Squirrels don’t have good cartoon characters. Rocky from The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show? Dude wasn’t even your average squirrel; he was one of those crazy flying squirrels. Did you know flying squirrels are native to both the Pacific Northwest and Siberia? Being that one is a bastion of liberal agitators and the other is the home of the gulag, Rocky might well have been an agent for Boris Badenov.
A squirrel once got into my fraternity’s kitchen and ate up the food. A chipmunk has yet to even tap on the window.
CHIPMUNKS ARE BETTER
They’re smaller, and therefore more fuel-efficient.
Their kids leave the nest after just eight weeks, rather than spending 12 years in their parents’ basement with nothing but a $120,000 B.A. in Theater for Social Change like these slacker kids today.
I think Dale alone could beat up Rocky, but with Chip in tow, they would have brought down the USSR single-handedly, were they living in the same cartoon universe.
Chip ‘n Dale are possessed of both black and red noses. In roulette, they just can’t lose.
Today I was flying back to DC at the Indianapolis airport when a big, middle-aged dude sat down next to me and struck up a conversation. The topic of the war briefly came up after the guy said he couldn’t believe gas prices were so high when we had physical control of Iraq’s oil and could just take what we wanted. I mentioned how the Administration planners considered only the initial old-fashioned military invasion without any nod to the other 90% that was the occupation, and the dude then produced the gem below.
This may sound like he was pulling my leg, but I’m about 90% sure that he really meant it. It was a serious subject, and he took the tone that he was giving me the greatest history lesson I could possibly learn:
Hell yeah man; you know when King Arthur invaded that region 500 years ago, he knew better than to stick around; he told his assistants, ‘Let’s get the f out of this country right now, I can’t occupy this place.’
I’m sitting here reading about PHP exception handling when the idea strikes me: some peanut-butter toast would hit the spot like some sort of proverbial spot-hitting device. That got me thinking about why peanut butter is an amazing product.
Squirrels run all over the place down here in DC. Meanwhile, chipmunks only live near wooded areas, knowing better than to overdo it in this media-heavy city.