“Hi, USA? It’s your old buddy, Pakistan!

“Osama bin Laden in our country? As if! Hmm, it’s really a mystery where he is … don’t you guys hate Iran? I mean he’s gotta be there, right? The guy’s an icon of religious tolerance; surely he could have overcome the centuries-old Sunni/Shi’a divide.

“No, of course that’s not ridiculous. Which one of us lives in this part of the world? Come on, trust me.

“That enormous secured compound built four years after 9/11 in the sizable city of Abbottabad, which also has a huge Pakistani army base and military academy? You mean the compound where they burn their trash, and some tall guy in a camo jacket keeps ordering dialysis treatments? What can I say, you know these kids and their McMansions! It’s like a regular fraternity party in there. Imagine the heating bill for that place, am I right or what?

“By the way, can you spare a few billion dollars again for military aid? It would totally help me out in fighting these terrorists, bro. For real, I got your back.

“You know, because you’re such a great friend, I’m going to treat you to a special deal at our new venture, ISI Used Cars — I just got this shipment of ’83 Yugos that purr like a kitten, and they have your name written all over them. Consider it a favor for letting those drone strikes slide!

“Alright, I gotta get going to my meeting with the Taliban … oh jeez, did I say Taliban? I meant to say Talleyrand — I’ve really gotten into Bourbon Restoration re-enactment, so I’m going to this conference for Congress of Vienna enthusiasts. Should be a ton of waistcoats up in there.

“But for real, bro — you’re my ace and I love you like a brother. We are totally tight allies, for real. Catch you on the flip – Pakistan out!”

G and I just got back from a week in the cité, during which approximately 12 pounds of croissants and pain au chocolat were consumed by each one of us. Some observations:

1. The French women definitely look good, in part because they’re almost all punching above their spot on the 10-point scale by dressing smartly. Looking well-put-together really does make you more attractive — who knew? Certainly not my T-shirt-wearin’ ass.
2. Wine and pop cost the same in Paris. This isn’t so much because wine is cheap — it’s only a little cheaper than in a U.S. restaurant — but because everything else is fantastically expensive. Maybe it was just the euro exchange rate, but Paris prices stung even worse than the famously expensive ones in London. Getting a sit-down lunch for less than $50 is a heinous challenge.
3. France gets a lot of crap from Americans about being a nation of military losers, but the martial spirit is pretty alive and well over there. I think the surrender-monkeys characterization is a little unfair — 1870 and 1940 were historic disasters, but the French won in 1918 after a long, awful slog on their own turf, and you can’t simultaneously say the Germans were a war machine but Napoleon was somehow a loser. No matter what Americans think, French military fandom is notably present in Paris — tons of flags fly everywhere, military and history magazines dot the newsstands, every other thing is named after Charles de Gaulle and Maréchal Foch, and the French public is right behind the Libya and Ivory Coast actions. The medal-bedecked vets at the Arc de Triomphe ceremony had a bunch of little kids shouting the Marseillaise at the top of their lungs — these dudes love their military.

   That said, the Musée de l’Armée is a pretty out-there perspective on France in World War II — the Resistance was only 5% of the population, and the Vichy government actively fought against the Allies, but you’d be hard-pressed to discover either of those things in their WWII exhibit. I get the need for national psychological redemption, but wow.

4. History continues to be the coolest thing ever. At almost every historical site in Paris were groups of schoolkids on field trips. I could only imagine how awesome it would be to take field trips to the Bourbon palace of Louis XIV or a world-famous cathedral built 900 years ago — a good field trip back in the day in Pittsburgh was collecting amoebas from the local pond water.
5. There’s a nation out there that’s just as crazy about pets as the United States. French people do love their chiens and chats — there are tons of dog owners walking their pets on the street, and tons of pet stores selling the same ridiculous doggie sweaters that you can buy in Lincoln Park — if a bit more fashion-forward. I was tempted to pick up a bouledogue at the pet store on Quai de l’Hôtel de Ville, but held off for now. (For now.)

Honorable mentions: Modern art at the Pompidou is still more interesting than the popular older stuff; Emmental cheese on a croque monsieur is delicious enough to blow up the Death Star; remembering French from high school was a huge benefit; French-style mussels marinière are better in America than in France; Kronenbourg 1664 (the macrobrew of France) is pretty solid; we met a few rude waiters but they’re in the minority; the Catacombes are one of the ghoulishly best things to see; I could drown in onion soup and die a pleasantly savory death; and the Hôtel Caron de Beaumarchais is a phat place to stay if you’re in Paris.

“Why They Hate Us: Lessons from Civil War Reconstruction”, ForeignPolicy.com, Nov. 23, 2009

Although as the first commenter pointed out, the question is when it’s worthwhile to occupy another nation anyway. That’s the tricky part.

Things I don’t like about the G20 in Pittsburgh today:

1. In Pittsburgh fashion, the citizens are mistaking dreadlocked-white-people protesters for a snowstorm and hunkering down with supplies of bread, milk and toilet paper.
2. College-educated anarchists breaking things, garnering tons and tons of sympathy for their cause. And by tons and tons, I mean zero.

Things I like about the G20 in Pittsburgh today:

1. National news outlets being forced to do stories (here and here and here) conceding that “Once smoky and horrible, Pittsburgh today is a creative, scenic center of high-tech industry,” or in layman’s terms, “Hey, it’s nice here!” We keep telling you it’s not a dump, but you just can’t stop indulging the “blue-collar” stereotype.
2. Mad props from the President and world leaders!
3. $8 million into the local economy — even if that’s not a ton, and G20 cities don’t usually see much economic benefit, it’s still a net positive. (Though what’s up with that taken-aback headline, former employer?)
4. This humorous image (from Magnus Patris via the blogger formerly known as PittGirl):
   
5. World summits hosted: Pittsburgh 1, Cleveland 0.

U.S. to Forgive Indonesian Debt in Exchange for Conservation Plan, Wall Street Journal

The more forest that’s protected to suck in CO₂, the better, and obviously a poor nation’s government benefits when the debt evaporates.

Man, what a week for news. It’s been a while since we had such a contrast of the important (Iran) and the junk-ridden (Transformers 2 = 2nd highest grossing opening ever).

• My vote for biggest story: Considering that I live in the U.S., it has to be the start of American withdrawal from Iraqi cities. There’s the potential for the sectarian pot to boil over again now that American troops won’t be piled onto the lid anymore, but the alternative of policing the country forever isn’t going to work. This is all after the fighting there has been all but forgotten by the general public. I’d put Iran second, and the dramatic turnaround the nation’s opinion of Michael Jackson third, but in my mind it was a return to the big story of the decade.
• Michael Jackson: it’s sad that the guy fell so far from the heights of the ’80s and never made it back, but the country this week seemed to forget the past 15 years in a single afternoon. This is the same thing that happened when Richard Nixon died — granted, Nixon did real harm to the country, while Jackson was just weird — but I wonder if it’s a uniquely American thing for national opinion of a controversial guy to turn on a dime whenever that guy passes on.
• I first heard about Jackson’s death on Twitter myself, but this is just incorrect. You know what I did after I first read that whiff of the story on Twitter? Started hitting the NY Times, CNN and BBC news sites. You can’t note that people check the “respected” news outlets before they really believe an account of something, then turn around and say that this proves those respected news outlets are pointless. Plus, I don’t get the comment about TMZ representing “the new realities of journalism” when they got their scoop through old-fashioned reporting. The truth is that the base of all news will always be reporting, and obviously you don’t have to be a giant, 100-year-old paper to do that, but it still has to happen somewhere along the line.
  
  Let’s also face the fact that TMZ had nothing to lose by claiming Jackson was dead at the very first moment there was speculation. He’s not actually dead? “Well, they’re just a tabloid anyway.” He died? “Brilliant job getting the story!”
• Guy who benefited the most from Michael Jackson’s death: Mark Sanford.
  
  Guys who benefited the least: Anybody out on the street in Iran. Just as the Iranian government counter-reaction gets ugly, too.
• Gail Collins said it better than I can on Sanford: it’s not that he committed an affair or that he’s a total moral hypocrite that makes him a bad governor; it’s the fact that by definition, bailing out on being governor tends to make one a bad governor. And no, I don’t feel bad for him, even if I give him credit for a more human response than most politicians caught cheating.
• And speaking of red-state moralists, who knew that Utah has the highest rate of subscription to pornographic sites?
• Transformers 2 has been a lot of fun for me, and I haven’t even seen it: every critic has sharpened the knife for the review, so at that point it’s a contest to see who can get it the sharpest. Naturally Roger Ebert’s review is brilliantly written, but I also liked Dana Stevens in Slate and The A.V. Club. I like my wit dry, with just a hint of acid.
  
  The funniest part of it all is that Transformers 2 has been critically hated-on more than any movie I can remember, yet it also had the second-highest opening of all time. (Thankfully for the American cultural soul, Dark Knight barely kept the top slot.) One of the commercials this week even ran a bunch of critical excerpts with the tiniest possible font for attribution. Interesting move by the studio to do a Terrell Owens on the Dallas 50-yard line.
• R.I.P., Billy Mays. As I felt the need to tell anyone each time he showed up on TV, the dude was from Pittsburgh. The guy sold some bizarre products, but he was the rare salesman where I enjoyed the pitch.

  As a tribute to the man, I will republish that in the style he knew best:

  R.I.P. BILLY MAYS! AS I FELT THE NEED TO TELL ANYONE EACH TIME HE SHOWED UP ON TV, THE DUDE WAS FROM PITTSBURGH! THE GUY SOLD SOME BIZARRE PRODUCTS, BUT HE WAS THE RARE SALESMAN WHERE I ENJOYED THE PITCH!

  The TV world lost a truly fun character. Vince from ShamWow just isn’t the same.

I was reading my Morning Coffee links today and clicked on this story at the WSJ:

Republicans Press Obama on Iran

It details some criticism of the President for not speaking out loudly enough in support of the protests, particularly by Lindsay Graham. Fortunately, for once I agree with George Will, who called the criticism “foolish”, because that’s just what it is.

In case you haven’t noticed, Iran’s rulers like to refer to us as “The Great Satan” and blame us for pretty much anything that ever goes wrong in their state. Cat in Qom can’t stop hacking up a hairball? Gotta be covert anti-feline agents of the Great Satan. That’s not to say it’s all based in fantasy; there was that 1953 CIA-backed overthrow of Mossadegh and the subsequent Shah-endorsing that we did for decades. With that realization, which the G.O.P. is conveniently ignoring, the President is right to keep his mouth shut and let the protests run on. There’s probably no one else in the world with as much of an interest in the weakening of the Iranian regime than the President of the U.S.A. — that’s a lot of headaches in one government — so it’s pretty silly to think that Obama doesn’t support the protests. He’s just being smart about it: the very instant he says anything in support of the protesters, Ahmadinejad and Khamenei will be glad to jump all over it and transfer blame. Hell, they’re already trying it, even with the President supposedly doing nothing about the situation.

So while it’s easy to sit back and reflexively hate on whatever the Administration is doing, in this case it’s hella misinformed. You’d think these dudes would have learned a lesson from the last President about well-intentioned election endorsements that then backfire, but then the G.O.P. reps really have little to lose by going on the attack. That doesn’t mean it’s not ill-informed.