Chipmunk: Underappreciated. Squirrel: Overexposed.

Squirrels run all over the place down here in DC. Meanwhile, chipmunks only live near wooded areas, knowing better than to overdo it in this media-heavy city.

SQUIRRELS AREN’T COOL

1. Squirrels are basically just bushy-tailed rats. Where do you see them in urban areas? Nine times out of ten, they’re playing in the garbage can, or once that’s over, eating said garbage.
2. Meanwhile, they do that annoying thing with their paws while they eat. It’s the same thing that flies do. Does anybody hold up the fly as an icon of cuteness? Hell no.
3. Squirrels don’t have good cartoon characters. Rocky from The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show? Dude wasn’t even your average squirrel; he was one of those crazy flying squirrels. Did you know flying squirrels are native to both the Pacific Northwest and Siberia? Being that one is a bastion of liberal agitators and the other is the home of the gulag, Rocky might well have been an agent for Boris Badenov.
4. A squirrel once got into my fraternity’s kitchen and ate up the food. A chipmunk has yet to even tap on the window.

CHIPMUNKS ARE BETTER

1. They’re smaller, and therefore more fuel-efficient.
2. Their kids leave the nest after just eight weeks, rather than spending 12 years in their parents’ basement with nothing but a $120,000 B.A. in Theater for Social Change like these slacker kids today.
3. I think Dale alone could beat up Rocky, but with Chip in tow, they would have brought down the USSR single-handedly, were they living in the same cartoon universe.
4. Chip ‘n Dale are possessed of both black and red noses. In roulette, they just can’t lose.

Out.