“Will You Accept This Collect Call from Islamabad?”

“Hi, USA? It’s your old buddy, Pakistan!

“Osama bin Laden in our country? As if! Hmm, it’s really a mystery where he is … don’t you guys hate Iran? I mean he’s gotta be there, right? The guy’s an icon of religious tolerance; surely he could have overcome the centuries-old Sunni/Shi’a divide.

“No, of course that’s not ridiculous. Which one of us lives in this part of the world? Come on, trust me.

“That enormous secured compound built four years after 9/11 in the sizable city of Abbottabad, which also has a huge Pakistani army base and military academy? You mean the compound where they burn their trash, and some tall guy in a camo jacket keeps ordering dialysis treatments? What can I say, you know these kids and their McMansions! It’s like a regular fraternity party in there. Imagine the heating bill for that place, am I right or what?

“By the way, can you spare a few billion dollars again for military aid? It would totally help me out in fighting these terrorists, bro. For real, I got your back.

“You know, because you’re such a great friend, I’m going to treat you to a special deal at our new venture, ISI Used Cars — I just got this shipment of ’83 Yugos that purr like a kitten, and they have your name written all over them. Consider it a favor for letting those drone strikes slide!

“Alright, I gotta get going to my meeting with the Taliban … oh jeez, did I say Taliban? I meant to say Talleyrand — I’ve really gotten into Bourbon Restoration re-enactment, so I’m going to this conference for Congress of Vienna enthusiasts. Should be a ton of waistcoats up in there.

“But for real, bro — you’re my ace and I love you like a brother. We are totally tight allies, for real. Catch you on the flip – Pakistan out!”