Stack Up: Paul Ryan as YoPAPP, Hermione the Yinzer, MapMyRun, NFL Previews

1. A calculating personality that makes it difficult to discern conviction from triangulation – everything is expressed in such a practiced way that even spoken core beliefs leave you with the nagging feeling that those beliefs could change tomorrow;
2. Flat tone that might sometimes dip slightly into “I’ll say I’m concerned” if something is particularly sad and occasionally rise into “almost bemused” when something funny or charming happens, but otherwise showing very little in the way of empathetic connection;
3. Little to no professional work outside the politics / policy sector, save the odd high-school or college job to provide some color;
4. Seemingly unstoppable advancement within said politics / policy sector, starting at the high-school level;
5. Conscious avoidance of all cameras when in fun situations, unless the fun is explicitly planned for the cameras.

As much as those sound like dislikable qualities, the YoPAPP is very much a creature of our own political society – with constant news coverage sparking an obsession with the trivial, perhaps these YoPAPPs are so robotic because they truly do care about “how it should be” to the point that they recognize the only way to get to an elected position of power is to button up completely and wall off from the normal human experience of venturing, triumphing, failing and becoming a wiser person through all of it. Cool realization, bro.